If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
