My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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