let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We left an ass print on the piano.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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