Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
