Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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