Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
