Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
