just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
