all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
