If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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