I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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