i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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