I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
