If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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