do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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