I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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