The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
