She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Rumble strips road head = magical
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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