I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
