she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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