"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
