she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
