Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Drake has all the answers
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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