We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
