Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
