Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
