I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
