I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Sorry about my life...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
