if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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