Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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