Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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