sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Are we in a gay sports bar?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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