Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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