I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
