my phone needs a breathalizer
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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