So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
