Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
