The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
