you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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