Where did you get a picture of my penis
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
