i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
