I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
