I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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