i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
