these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
