Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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