Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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