So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
