neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
