I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
