For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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