all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
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I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
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Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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