Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
