I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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