First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
