ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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