I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
