I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
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Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
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you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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