Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
operation harelip BJ is a go
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
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What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
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If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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